Disabled People Will Have the Power

On behalf of all marginalized people, but particularly those with disabilities, for if they won't do it, then I must. I have been doing this, quite literally, since the spring of sixth grade.

I cannot work, I cannot think, and I cannot be myself, which is to express myself without every single person who knows me thinking I am going to land in the hospital. That landing in the hospital was done by me and my doctors—we navigated those hospitalizations. Save for one moment in late May of 2021, where my protestations were in fact partially correct as agreed upon by my clinicians, I have always asked for help. I was raised very well, but I was mentored and taught by, quite truly, one of the most groundbreaking and incredible neuroscientists/psychiatrists in the world: Dr. Ann Bordwine Beeder. I worked with her for about eleven years until Covid and a slew of mistakes led me to go broke and live in my parents’ basement in Amherst, NY. She was busy saving lives in Central Park—she couldn’t do it from afar any longer.

I am all for people not liking “me,” the mediated persona, as anyone who knows me knows me, but it took years, and I mean years and years of deleting the possibility of a sense of self from my mind as I had only known life according to the public’s validation of who this persona was.

I am all for criticizing the aesthetics of my music, my voice, and all things that are absolutely within reason. I am not for everyone, and that’s always been a hard thing for me to accept because I would always love everyone to love everything I do—who wouldn’t?

But to the people who go online and paint pictures of my wellness, to assume so much and have an unbelievably massive effect on my career opportunities, my family’s finances and therefore their health outcomes, I will make you a promise:

I will take each and every single one of you to court if I have to. I will sell every possession I have just to afford the ability to stand up for people who do not have the means to do so, because the majority of the people with conditions similar to mine, are mostly impoverished.

I no longer say something is right when it is wrong. I do not care if it hurts anyone’s feelings. No one has seemed to care about mine and I have never set out to be a vindictive person seeking vengeance. This has absolutely nothing to do with that.

I have been clinically cleared by my clinicians to do the work I am doing, to be myself, to show myself as I am in a way that is different than how I’d have to neuter and tame myself to fit to norms that just simply never applied to me. I am surrounded by people, and if you think these are “yes men,” just know that I am not kidding when I say I am broke. I can sell all the assets I didn’t sell when I sold 75% of my catalog at the lowest point of my career (meaning that number would have been way higher if I was active and pushing my music, but I couldn’t due to my fear of being penalized for being creative, ashamed of myself, afraid of hurting people around me) just to pay my taxes which I was trying to pay for years and years and years.

You do not understand the impact you are having on people. You don’t know what you are talking about. I do not lie any longer, because if I tell a lie in one place I’ll tell a lie in every place as that’s what people do when they fear for their jobs, don’t want to divulge too much, are just being human, or are marginalized people: women, people of color, different sexual orientation, and with disabilities to name a few. That makes up what percent of the population?

I am sitting in a rehearsal space thinking to myself, ‘Why can’t I just plug this thing in? Why can’t I think clearly?’ only to realize that not only is it no one’s fault as it is societal, it is not my fault either. I am far from perfect, but mental disabilities evolve with especially good treatment which many people do not have the money or time or resources to afford or find. In this respect, especially, I have been the luckiest person on earth and I am so very sorry to so many people who I have met, who I have heard from, who I know personally, who just cannot make it happen. I fear for them, but I do not fear for myself.

I detest being a spokesperson for this stuff. I truly believe none of these conversations should occur online. The attempt to remove stigma tends to only reinforce as it brings out shortcomings in others that they don’t understand are beyond them, that are learned, or perhaps even ends up reminding people of something they may be doing wrong, or that may be wrong with them, which leads to shame and guilt. I have been there. I am no longer there.

I reserve my speaking on this subject for the clinical and academic world, for my fans, for my friends, and for my family.

But to the many people who seem to think this is a joke, or seem to think I am taking this personally, know that I am not: I have been and continue to be taught and guided by— and still even aligned with to this day—some of the greatest minds in this field, which has been an honor.

But the more I have learned, the more I have realized there’s only one thing that matters: never let people tell your story for you.

Especially people with legal disabilities. It is illegal.