Lecturing Stephanie From Nine Times Your Torch Songs (Side C)
Stephanie, you'll always be a part of me
No matter where you are
Whether it’s near or it’s afar
Or somewhere no one's ever seen
But you see, ma
Please, god, stay for me
Please don't abandon me
As I did you, but thank god Meg
Took all your phone calls all those years
I missed you more than you’d ever believe
And of course there's dad
Who you stood by through tears and through those years so bad
You never let him down, through thick, thin, this and that
That's why I’ve been here since June, enrapt
Oh, yeah, there’s Matthews too
He wouldn't hurt as much if he knew
How hard you fought for him and then fought for his right to be seen right
You always did this best you could do
But mama, everyone
I mean, each, every single one
Whose soul you're touched will carry you on in ways
Not one single song could or will do—or has ever done
But, ma, I will, and I’ll do
As much of all you’ve asked me to do
Try tidying my room and my mind more
I’ll ask more than assume—and let ‘em speak more, too
But, ma, it’s thanks to you
In mining for a sense of self, I found you
But me and you know, you know how we do
And it’s your fault that I’m like this, so you’re welcome
Because before you leave, sit down
Your son knows how to lecture and remind you, too
Of you:
It was a sewing machine
Those detailed threads you wove and thoughts you weave
The textures of some sauce
Brutal sharing of your thoughts
And high standards that you hold
Made life hard but did mold
Your children in the ways
Grandma Wishard knew’d hold
And/or bring us back together
Though fractured in your sixties
And mailaised TV seventies
Coked-out greed of the eighties
Obsessed controlling nineties
The copper pipes in Jersey
An lead exposure likely
And dad’s career trajectory
Then menopause, Meg’s babies
And a son fed to the wolves in
The grips of his mind’s collision
Collapsed outside the light streams
Or banged up boarding through glades
Or migraine fever-dreams
But let’s go back
Those two regional directors
Vindictive socipaths all for
Classist, racist curses
Placed ‘pon dad’s house by the train tracks
Their lies flooding that Brook Bound
By tangled webs of mob ties
Then in Vegas, the DA died
Right as the cops knocked down his door
And all the while within you
Your cortisol did course through
My body as it did you
I felt you as you feel me and have felt all of us too
But here we are, ma—we’re alive?
You’re alive! I’m alive?! We’re alive!
Okay, so just wait for it, wait…
Hang on, I’m thinking
Hang on, just once more
I’m thinking—
All right, now listen:
You are a work of art
You’re everything you think you aren’t
I swear, you’re better then ‘em all
They tread on both out hearts
We’re just two kids wanting to take part
And help those who hadn’t gotten a shot
Maybe like you never did—and, mom, you are smart
Goddammit, Stephanie
You’ll never line up perfectly
With who you could have been
And who you’ll come to be
Take it from your son
You’re really just like me
You learn from anyone
Who at least tries to believe
And you’ve taught me how to live
So it’s all thanks to you now
That for all this time it seems
That I survived to be
To still be here
With you for now
With you, Stephanie